Me: Roll over.
GM: The hedgehog rolls over. It’s adorable.
GM: You take a few steps away. The hedgehog remains where it is.
GM: The hedgehog heals you for 5 HP.
Me: Holy shit.
Summoner: Does the skeleton thief have intelligence?
DM: From what you can tell, yes.
Summoner: Alright, then I’m going to seduce the skeleton.
DM: What the- okay. Fine. Just roll.
Summoner: *rolls a natural 20* Okay, so that’s gonna be 33 total to seduce the skeleton.
DM: Yknow what. Fuck it. You seduced the skeleton.
DM: As a reward to the party, the Genie will answer one question with complete honesty.
Genie: <laughing> No!
Party: <Evil glare at me>
Fighter: Should we bury the dead centaurs?
Mage: They’re really big
Bard: We can bury their human halves.
(At the end of a full 20 level campaign the Tarrasque is down and ready for the Wish/Miracle. unfortunately, we’ve already lost our our wizard and sorcerer.)
Fighter: Quick, cast Miracle on the Tarrasque!
Me: I think now would be a good time to tell you I’m not a cleric.
Everyone but the DM: You’re what?!
Me: I’m a witch.
DM: *quietly hands me a five dollar bill while grinning like a maniac*
“Alright, here’s the thing about boats.” –Berserker talking the Ranger out of setting the boat they were raiding on fire.
GM: I’m… inclined to say this is a bad idea based on your track records so far, especially after the squirrel sewer incident, but I honestly can’t find much fault in this.
-Says the GM as our Paladin winds a catapult up and the mage proceeds to load her air elemental in the cradle so they can launch it over a fort’s walls so it can gather information and sneak out again.